The Awakening. The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Putting pen to paper and writing about anything has always been something I have felt an overwhelming need and desire to do. Despite this incredible need to produce something I have never been able to get past purchasing writing materials. For some reason I just could not find the words, the subject, nor anything else I felt anyone would want to read.

Now at the dawning of the rest of my life I am finding what I should have been writing has nothing to do with any type of reader but everything to do with the author. Seems like this holds true about most aspects of my life up to this point.

Starting TODAY I am doing what is right and best for me and my immediate family. Please don't misunderstand, I thought I knew what to do to better myself and my family but I realize I was terribly wrong.

Looking back over the 35 years of my life it seems I can only remember three times in my life that I remember being truly happy. Those would be the day my mother told me that she was divorcing my father, the time when Jessica (my now ex-wife and the love of my life) and I were in the early stages of our relationship, and the day my son Matthus was born.

Looking back there has been so many disappointments and low spots that one could almost become suicidal. But keeping in mind the reasons that I made the decisions that helped bring me to those lows I know I am not a bad person, incapable of success. I am an ignorant person that needs to realize that nothing comes easy. Even all of the failure and disappointment in my past took effort on my part.

Looking back I can remember several conversations informing me of how I had disappointed someone or not lived up to someones idea of what I should be. Not one time can I remember anyone telling me "you done your best," or "I am so proud of you." I guess this was my parents idea of motivating me. All they accomplished was to let me know how terrible a person I am. So I began to believe it. I also began to believe the only way to prove myself to anyone was to find a shortcut to the top and to make myself sound and look better (or like some I am not) than I am.



There is so much more that I have realized about what has made me who I am that I will post in the future. Be patient, there is a lifetime to live and relive.